Mel: I’m curious about parenting teens, particularly the concept of natural consequences. I have recently come across a school of thought that suggests as teens we have to just maintain connection and apparently the research is suggesting “consequences” is no longer a thing for that age group?! Curious about perspectives on motivational tools/techniques for influencing teen behaviour when they are pushing the boundaries.
Bryan: My question is about money. How does a parent say no to young children (who have no concept of money), to a child who wants something? Is the same answer whether the parent can afford it or not?
Thank you, Mel and Bryan. I have thought a lot about parenting over the last decade, and am delighted to be asked about it.
Mel, my daughters are not yet teens (Scarlett is 9 and Ami is 6), and I haven’t seen the research you’re talking about, but let me have a crack anyway.
When Scarlett was two years old, for some reason she wanted me to call her Baby. So for about a year, that’s what I did. One day we were at a cafe together. It was one of those ones that have the paper table clothes you can draw on. I drew this model for her:
We still use it today. What are the parent’s decisions? What are her decisions? And what is up for negotiation? Of course, as they grow older these evolve.
Often when I see parenting go wrong, it’s when we’re not clear, or inconsistent, about where a decision lives.
I think this is still really useful for teenagers. There still are boundaries, still things that the parents decide, and still consequences.
(By the way, this model made it into Catsville, the book I wrote with Scarlett, and my friend and parenting expert Justin Coulson used it in one of his books.)
Bryan, how to say no to a young child who wants something? I usually just say no. Sometimes I say that’s a daddy decision. I rarely explain myself beyond that. If they do ask why, I’d say something like that’s not healthy, we don’t need it, you have plenty of toys already, etc.
As an aside, I almost never say I can’t afford something, even to myself. Mostly it’s not true. Most things, even when I didn’t have much money, I could afford if it was important enough. I’d rather say that’s not where we choose to spend our money. Much more powerful language, and better training for my subconscious.
