Can you really forgive and forget?

Brent: How do you deal with narcissists, Machiavellians, and sociopaths in our work? (The "Dark Triad" types.) Should we avoid certain people in business, even though the opportunity for working with them is high? Is it even possible to avoid them?

Zoe: Can you really forgive and forget?

Thank you, Brent and Zoe for taking us in a different direction this week.

Zoe, I don’t know about forgetting, but we can definitely forgive. My grandfather was a holocaust survivor (here’s what I wrote in my blog about his life when he passed away a few years ago).

My take from watching how he lived his life is that he forgave just about everything that had happened to him. He didn't carry any bitterness around. And if he can forgive that, I figure I can forgive anything in my life.

Brent, I don’t think we can avoid working with narcissists, sociopaths etc. But there is a principle from Aikido which I think is helpful here.

In Aikido we talk a lot about ma’a (Japanese for distance). There is a safe distance to keep someone. And if someone breaks that distance and gets closer, we have two choices. We either withdraw to establish the safe distance again, or enter and deal with our opponent.

In a martial setting the ma’a, the safe distance, is different depending on who our opponent is, and what’s their weapon. The distance is great if someone is tall with long arms. It’s greater again if they have a knife. And even greater if they have a sword.

I think this concept is incredibly useful in business and in life. If someone treats us badly, the ma’a becomes great. We keep them further away. And some people we can let closer.